I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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