I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
