From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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