Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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