I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
