My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize