Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
