Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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