I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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