you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
