rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize