he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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