I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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