Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize