The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
