He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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