??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
