the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We need a shit load of segways right now
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
