just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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