That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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