Just cropdusted the office
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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