Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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