a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
