At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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