I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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