ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
