nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
