Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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