So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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