he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
