I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Pooping to opera.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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