about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize