if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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