shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize