i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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