that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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