I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
