Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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