Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
