I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
