Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
