If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
