Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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