WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
