I think I won the penis lottery.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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