My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
