You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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