Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
