i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
