Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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