At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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