so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
