You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
