Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
