I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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