ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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