yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
