I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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